Screens, Dopamine, and Disconnection: Reclaiming Presence in the Age of Avoidance
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
— Carl Jung
We live in a world flooded with digital distractions—dopamine hits on demand, just a swipe away. For many of us, screens have become an easy escape from discomfort. We turn to our phones, our feeds, and our streaming platforms not just for entertainment, but for regulation—for comfort, distraction, and numbness.
But when this behaviour becomes habitual, it disconnects us not only from our emotional world but from the people around us. Especially in relationships that are already strained, this disconnection can become the wedge that drives partners further apart.
All hail the mighty screen-god
When dopamine becomes devotion, we lose sight of what truly connects us.
Your Brain on Connection – The Feel-Good Chemicals
Our bodies are wired for connection, and several key neurochemicals and hormones shape how we bond, trust, and feel safe in our relationships. Understanding these “feel-good” messengers can help us become more intentional about the habits we cultivate.
Dopamine
This is the motivation and reward chemical. It spikes when we anticipate a reward — a new text message, a scroll on Instagram, or a tasty treat. It’s fast, exciting, and often addictive. Healthy sources of dopamine include:
Setting and achieving goals (even small ones)
Creative projects and learning
Positive feedback and accomplishment
Oxytocin
Often called the “love hormone,” oxytocin is released through physical touch, eye contact, acts of care, and emotional connection. It fosters trust and bonding. Oxytocin is cultivated by:
Cuddling, hugging, or holding hands
Eye-gazing and heartfelt conversations
Shared laughter and vulnerability
Skin-to-skin contact with babies and children
Acts of kindness
Serotonin
Linked to mood regulation and a sense of stability and well-being, serotonin plays a key role in self-worth and belonging. You can boost serotonin by:
Spending time in nature or sunlight
Practising gratitude and reflection
Feeling respected and valued in your community or relationships
Endorphins
These are the body’s natural painkillers and pleasure boosters. They are released through:
Physical exercise
Laughter
Dancing or singing
Eating something enjoyable (in moderation)
As Simon Sinek writes in Leaders Eat Last, these chemicals are part of our evolutionary design: they help us survive, bond, and thrive. When couples understand how to nourish these systems — together — connection becomes less of a mystery and more of a practice.
You’ll see oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine mentioned again throughout this article—these aren’t just isolated hormones, but themes that thread through how we relate, bond, and repair. Think of this as your neurochemical reference point as we explore deeper layers.
Your Brain on Stress – The Hijackers of Connection
On the flip side, when we’re overwhelmed, anxious, or emotionally triggered, a different set of chemicals takes over — cortisol and adrenaline, our primary stress hormones. These are essential for survival but problematic when over-activated in modern life.
Cortisol is the body’s main stress hormone, released when we feel under threat. It increases blood sugar, suppresses digestion and immunity, and heightens alertness. Over time, high cortisol levels:
Impair sleep and emotional regulation
Make it harder to listen and stay calm in conflict
Reduce empathy and emotional availability
Adrenaline kicks in during moments of high stress or perceived danger. It makes the heart race, muscles tense, and prepares us for fight or flight. In relationships, this can lead to:
Yelling or shutting down during arguments
Defensiveness and avoidance
Hyper-vigilance and controlling behaviour
When stress hormones dominate, it becomes difficult to access the parts of ourselves that can respond with patience, compassion, or curiosity. This is why chronic stress in one or both partners can quietly erode connection.
And this is where the deeper inner work begins.
Shadow work, nervous system regulation, communication practices, and creating intentional rituals of connection all help bring us back into balance. We can’t eliminate stress, but we can learn how to metabolise it and return to connection more quickly.
The Dopamine Loop: Pleasure Without Fulfilment
overeating
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compulsive gambling
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ping
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substance abuse
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doom scrolling
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excessive shopping
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social media
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ping
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gaming
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sugar
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ping
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likes
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overeating 〰️ compulsive gambling 〰️ ping 〰️ substance abuse 〰️ doom scrolling 〰️ excessive shopping 〰️ social media 〰️ ping 〰️ gaming 〰️ sugar 〰️ ping 〰️ likes 〰️
By now, we’ve explored how different hormones shape our emotional and relational well-being. Let’s take a closer look at dopamine—arguably the most hijacked of them all.
Dopamine drives motivation, attention, and the pursuit of rewards — it’s what keeps us checking our phones, chasing goals, and reaching for the next “hit.” But unlike oxytocin, serotonin, or endorphins — which bring depth, connection, and lasting satisfaction — dopamine is fleeting and addictive. It makes us want more, not feel more.
As Simon Sinek explains in Leaders Eat Last, dopamine is the “chase” chemical. It fires when we complete tasks, get social media likes, or anticipate something exciting. It’s goal-driven, not connection-driven.
In contrast:
Oxytocin is the bonding hormone — it grows through touch, trust, and emotional presence.
Serotonin is tied to pride, belonging, and mutual respect.
Endorphins mask pain and create joy through exertion or laughter.
In today’s screen-saturated world, we’re swimming in dopamine triggers — notifications, endless scrolling, instant gratification. But when oxytocin and serotonin are starved, we feel increasingly disconnected — from ourselves and our partners. Our nervous systems remain overstimulated, but undernourished where it truly counts.
Left unchecked, this loop wires our brains for distraction, not connection — reinforcing shallow stimulation over deeper intimacy. The result? Chronic stress, emotional avoidance, and relational breakdowns that quietly build up over time.
Disconnection from the Feeling Body
One of the most concerning impacts of chronic screen use is how it trains us to avoid our feelings. The moment discomfort arises—boredom, loneliness, frustration—we reach for a device. We swipe away the discomfort instead of pausing to feel it. Over time, this can erode our ability to be with our emotions.
I see this frequently in my work with individuals and couples. Clients often say, “I don’t know what I’m feeling,” or “I just go numb.” When we trace it back, we often find a habitual avoidance of emotion—one that’s reinforced by digital habits. Screens have become a modern armour against vulnerability.
We weren’t meant to live in a constant state of hyperstimulation. Without moments of quiet, the nervous system doesn’t have the space to regulate. And when we can’t regulate, we can’t connect—not with ourselves, and not with others.
Avoidance and the Shadow
Avoidance is one of the many ways we resist facing our shadow—the unacknowledged or disowned parts of ourselves. But when avoidance becomes habitual, it often evolves into subtle or overt forms of addiction. Not just to substances, but to behaviours like scrolling, bingeing, or constant busyness. These patterns are not moral failings—they’re often protective responses to inner pain.
As Carl Jung reminds us, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” Addictive behaviours often emerge when we haven’t yet acknowledged the discomfort, fear, or shame that lives underneath the surface.
These behaviours can show up in relationships in unexpected ways:
One partner constantly checks their phone during difficult conversations.
Another may use work or productivity to avoid emotional intimacy.
A parent zones out in front of a screen instead of engaging with their child.
On the surface, these may seem like minor habits. But underneath, they may reflect unprocessed wounds—fears of rejection, inadequacy, or not being enough. Left unchecked, they create invisible walls between people who long to feel close.
This is the heart of shadow work—learning to witness these parts with curiosity instead of judgment. Not to shame ourselves for our coping mechanisms, but to ask deeper questions:
What emotion am I trying to avoid?
What belief about myself am I protecting?
What part of me is asking to be met?
When couples or individuals begin to engage with these questions together, the dynamic begins to shift. The behaviour becomes a doorway, not a dead end. What once led to conflict becomes an invitation to deeper understanding.
Healing begins when we choose presence over avoidance and courage over comfort. And often, it starts with simply noticing the pattern.
Emotional Disconnection – When the Distance Becomes a Chasm
Sometimes, the space between us isn’t physical—it’s emotional. Disconnection often begins in silence and avoidance.
How Disconnection Plays Out in Relationships
Disconnection rarely starts with malice—it begins with subtle, unconscious habits. A glance at the phone during dinner. Avoiding eye contact when things feel tense. Retreating into screens rather than into each other’s arms.
These behaviours are often not the real problem—they’re the symptom. The underlying drivers are harder to see: fear, inadequacy, overwhelm, shame. When left unacknowledged, these emotional undercurrents quietly shape our reactions, responses, and relational patterns.
This is the heart of shadow work—learning to become aware of the parts of ourselves we’ve turned away from. Not to judge them, but to meet them with curiosity and compassion.
Begin by asking:
When do I most often reach for my phone or lose myself in screens?
What emotion tends to be present right before I do?
What discomfort, thought, or feeling might I be avoiding?
What would it feel like to pause and tend to that part of me instead?
These questions invite us back to ourselves—and if we’re in a relationship, they also invite us back to each other.
When couples begin to do this inner work, something shifts. They start to hold space for each other’s emotional worlds instead of reacting to surface-level behaviours. A moment of irritation becomes an opening for empathy. A habit of avoidance becomes a signal to check in, not check out.
Research by the Gottman Institute shows that healthy relationships thrive on how couples respond to “bids for connection”—small moments when one partner reaches out, verbally or nonverbally, seeking attention, affection, or support.
When these bids are noticed and responded to, connection deepens.
When they’re ignored or dismissed, disconnection takes root.
Over time, this creates a “drip effect” of emotional withdrawal. A gradual erosion of intimacy—not from one big rupture, but from the thousands of missed moments in between.
Choosing Oxytocin: The Antidote to Digital Numbness
We’ve already touched on oxytocin as one of the key “feel-good” chemicals. Let’s now deepen the lens and focus on how we can actively invite more of it into our relationships—especially as an antidote to the overstimulation and disconnection created by dopamine-driven habits.
Oxytocin is released when we:
Genuinely hug someone for more than 20 seconds
Make sustained eye contact during a heartfelt conversation
Cuddle or engage in physical intimacy
Share laughter or express genuine appreciation
Collaborate on shared tasks, like cooking or gardening
Give and receive acts of kindness
Couples and families can build routines that consciously prioritise oxytocin over dopamine:
Begin or end the day with a few minutes of screen-free presence
Schedule regular walks, meals, or moments of connection without devices
Create simple rituals of appreciation or shared reflection
Use touch intentionally—holding hands, cuddling, and massage
Stay curious instead of reactive—ask, “What’s really going on for you?”
Distraction and disconnection don’t just affect our romantic relationships—they also shape how we show up as parents. When we’re overstimulated, dysregulated, or emotionally distant, it becomes harder to truly attune to our children’s emotional needs. I’ll explore this more deeply in a future blog on parenting, screens, and nervous system regulation.
These practices are not only grounding—they are regulating. They help the nervous system feel safe enough to come out of survival mode and into connection.
You don’t need to overhaul your life. Small, repeated moments of intention and presence rebuild connection over time.
In a disconnected world,
presence is a radical act of love.
The Value of Relationship Work
Relationship work creates a rare kind of space—quiet, curious, and emotionally safe. It’s where we start to notice the deeper forces shaping our communication, reactions, and patterns.
Whether you come in alone or with a partner, this work isn’t about blame—it’s about understanding. It’s about slowing down enough to feel what’s really going on inside, and learning new ways to connect that are based on clarity, compassion, and mutual respect.
In sessions, I support couples and individuals to:
Rebuild nervous system safety so you can connect from a grounded place
• Unpack emotional patterns that drive avoidance or shutdown
• Shift communication habits from reactivity to curiosity
• Reconnect with what truly matters—values, vision, and presence
Investing in relationship work isn’t just about fixing problems—it’s about strengthening what’s good, building what’s possible, and learning how to relate from your centre. And the effects ripple—into your family, your work, your parenting, and your everyday peace of mind.
From Awareness to Action: Reclaiming Connection
Now that you understand how screens, dopamine, and disconnection interact — and how this impacts your emotional well-being and relationships — it’s time to bring it into your own life.
This isn’t about blame or guilt. It’s about waking up to habits that no longer serve you — and making small, intentional shifts toward presence, connection, and emotional clarity.
Here are a few simple but powerful steps you can take:
📱 1. Get Honest About Your Screen Time
Check your phone’s usage stats to get the facts. This small step can be eye-opening.
iOS: Go to Settings → Screen Time
Android: Use Digital Wellbeing & Parental Controls
Notice:
How much time are you spending on your phone daily?
Which apps consume the most time?
Are there peak times when you’re most likely to scroll?
🧠 2. Track Your Triggers
Begin noticing when and why you reach for your phone. Keep a small notebook or (if you have to) a note on your phone to log:
What emotion or situation triggered the scroll?
What were you really needing in that moment? (Connection? Rest? Reassurance?)
This helps bring unconscious habits into conscious awareness — the first step toward change.
🫶 3. Create Screen-Free Rituals
Choose one or two regular moments in your day to be phone-free and presence-rich.
Some examples:
A screen-free morning coffee
No phones at the dinner table
A walk without your device
Eye contact and check-ins with your partner before bed
Start small. Consistency matters more than perfection.
🌱 4. Choose Oxytocin-Boosting Activities
Balance out the dopamine loop with device-free, connection-fostering experiences. These simple but powerful moments help strengthen emotional bonds and regulate the nervous system. Try:
Cuddling or hugging someone you care about
Practising gratitude or keeping an appreciation journal
Cooking, gardening, or creating something together
Playing an old-fashioned board game
Engaging in present, heartfelt conversations
These activities may seem small, but they offer the kind of nourishment that screens can’t. They invite intimacy, trust, and genuine connection.
🔄 5. Revisit and Reflect
After a week, reflect on your experience:
Did you notice any shifts in mood, energy, or connection?
What was surprisingly hard?
What felt nourishing?
Transformation doesn’t require a digital detox — it begins with awareness and small, doable steps toward intentional connection.
In a distracted world, presence is a radical act of love — for yourself and the people around you.
A Practice: Presence Before the Phone
Try this when you notice the urge to reach for your device:
Pause. Notice the impulse without acting on it.
Breathe. Feel your breath and the sensations in your body.
Ask: “What am I feeling right now?” What am I avoiding?” Name it, even if it’s vague or uncomfortable.
Ask again: “What do I really need at this moment?” It might be rest, connection, space, or reassurance.
Choose: Is there another way I can meet that need? Perhaps it’s a walk, a stretch, a cup of tea, or a conversation with someone you trust.
It may feel awkward at first. That’s okay. Each time you do this, you’re rewiring your relationship with discomfort—and with yourself.
Final Thoughts: A Call to Reconnect
Disconnection doesn’t happen all at once—it builds slowly. So does reconnection.
You don’t need to overhaul your life. With small, conscious steps, you can reclaim presence for yourself and for the people you love.
In a world designed for distraction, choosing presence is a radical act of love. You can begin by noticing your patterns, honouring your feelings, and choosing connection — moment by moment.
If this resonated with you, share it with someone who might benefit from it. Or better yet, set your phone aside and have a real conversation — the kind that nurtures trust, presence, and oxytocin.
Your nervous system—and your relationships—will thank you.
