The Pillars of My Work
In the realm of personal and relational growth, I lean on a set of guiding principles that have shaped my approach to trauma-informed counselling and relationship therapy. These “pillars” are not rules but reflections — anchors that support individuals, couples, and groups as we explore what it means to live, love, and relate with more awareness.
While these ideas resonate deeply with me, I invite you to explore them for yourself. Some may land as familiar truths; others may challenge or stretch you. Either way, the journey of inquiry is where transformation begins.
Temple pillars – foundations of inner work
Pillars in a Buddhist temple, symbolising the foundations that hold us steady as everything else changes — a visual metaphor for the principles guiding my work with individuals, couples, and groups.
Key Takeaways
These pillars describe how I work with individuals, couples, and groups — they’re the backbone of my therapeutic approach.
You don’t need to “master” them; you can simply notice which one speaks to where you are right now.
Each pillar offers a way to relate differently to yourself, your relationships, and the constant change of life.
The 8 Pillars
1. Do the Work
Take personal responsibility for the narrative of your life.
True change begins when we embrace the work with integrity and accountability. It asks us to show up honestly, turn toward our experience, and take ownership of our choices and reactions — especially when it would be easier to blame others.
In relationship counselling, this often means shifting from “you always…” to “here’s what happens in me, and here’s my part in our pattern.” When each person starts to own their impact, the dynamic softens and new possibilities open.
Reflection: Where in your life are you waiting for someone else to change first?
2. A Change is Better Than a Holiday
Dance with the rhythm of life’s continuous evolution.
This pillar is rooted in the Buddhist understanding of impermanence. Life is constantly changing — relationships evolve, roles shift, bodies age, children grow, careers turn. When we cling to how things used to be, we suffer.
Instead of resisting change, this pillar invites us to respond creatively to it. In therapy, that might look like experimenting with a new way of listening, setting a boundary you’ve never set, or trying a different response in a familiar conflict. Change can be uncomfortable, but it also brings freedom and possibility.
Sometimes what we truly need is not to escape our life, but to move with it differently.
Reflection: In your relationship, where are you holding tightly to an old story or role that no longer serves you?
3. You Are the One
You are the world’s number one expert on yourself.
Everything you need is already within you. Teachers, books, and therapists can offer guidance and tools, but they can’t live your truth for you.
As Mooji wisely reminds us, “The thing you seek is where you are seeking from.” My role is not to tell you who you are or what to do; it’s to help you reconnect with your own inner knowing, strength, and clarity — especially when you feel lost or overwhelmed.
In relationship work, this pillar reminds us that you are allowed to honour your values, needs, and boundaries, even as you care for the relationship.
Reflection: When was the last time you really trusted your own inner sense of what’s right for you?
4. This Is It!
Cherish the now.
Life unfolds in moments, and each one is precious — even the uncomfortable ones. The present moment is where your nervous system lives, where your choices are made, and where connection happens.
It’s easy to get stuck in “things will be better when…” — when we move house, when work settles, when the kids are older. This pillar invites you to ask: “How can I meet this moment with as much presence and integrity as possible?”
In relationships, that might simply mean putting the phone down during a conversation, or taking one conscious breath before replying in an argument. Small acts of presence change the emotional tone of a relationship over time.
Reflection: If this interaction with your partner or loved one were your first or your last, how would you want to show up?
5. Radical Self-Love
Move toward yourself with compassion.
Personal growth starts with how you relate to yourself. If your inner dialogue is harsh and unforgiving, it will be hard to sustain empathy and patience for others — especially under stress.
Radical self-love isn’t about ego or self-importance. It’s the decision to treat yourself with the same warmth and respect you’d offer a close friend. In therapy, this might look like softening self-criticism, recognising your limits, or acknowledging how far you’ve already come.
In relationship work, self-love is what allows you to say, “My needs matter too,” without diminishing anyone else.
Reflection: How do you speak to yourself after a difficult conversation? Would you say those same words to someone you love?
6. All Is One
Recognise the interconnectedness of all things.
We often experience ourselves as separate: me vs. you, us vs. them. But on a deeper level, we are constantly affecting and being affected by each other — in families, communities, and systems.
In trauma-informed work, this means understanding that your nervous system doesn’t exist in isolation. It’s in relationship with those you live and work with, as well as with broader cultural and historical forces.
This pillar reminds us that our inner work is not just personal; it is relational and, in many ways, collective. The more we sense this interconnectedness, the easier it becomes to move with empathy, humility, and care.
Reflection: Where do you feel most connected to something larger than yourself — and how does that connection support you?
7. Surrender to Life
Embrace the full spectrum of your experience.
Surrender is often misunderstood as giving up. Here, it means something quite different: releasing the illusion that you can control everything and learning to turn toward what is actually here.
Life includes joy, boredom, grief, uncertainty, and everything in between. In relationships, surrender might look like allowing yourself to feel sadness instead of numbing, or accepting that your partner is different from you rather than trying to reshape them.
When we stop fighting reality, we free up energy for choice, creativity, and genuine connection. Surrender doesn’t mean passivity; it means working with life rather than against it.
Reflection: What part of your current reality are you fighting so hard that it leaves you exhausted?
8. An Attitude of Gratitude
Shift your focus to appreciation.
Gratitude is not about pretending everything is fine. It’s about deliberately noticing what is good, supportive, or nourishing — even in small ways.
In a relationship, that might be appreciation for a cup of tea made without being asked, a shared laugh after a hard day, or the simple fact that you’re still both here, trying. Gratitude shifts the nervous system from threat to possibility, and over time, it can profoundly change the emotional climate of your inner world and your partnerships.
Reflection: Right now, what are three small things you feel grateful for — in yourself, in your relationship, or in your life?
Navigating Transformation Together
These principles are the threads that weave through my work. They invite greater responsibility, deeper presence, and the courage to embrace the fullness of life — not just the pretty parts.
As you reflect on these pillars, notice which ones resonate and which ones you resist. Both are important. A pillar that feels uncomfortable may be pointing to an edge where growth is possible.
If you’d like support in working with these ideas in your own life or relationship, you’re welcome to reach out or explore my services:
Individual Transformation – for personal inner work and life transitions.
Relationship Transformation – for couples wanting to repair, deepen, or realign their relationship.
Let’s explore this journey together. Whether you’re just beginning to consider change or are ready to dive deep, these guiding lights can help you reconnect with yourself, your values, and the people who matter most.
